DEPRESSION

Lately--- and especially this past week--- I have been so depressed.

I'm no stranger to depression--- I've had severe bouts over the years.

As a teen--- hormones, tensions & issues between my adoptive mother and me, being gang-raped behind my school, on-going abusive and secret relationship between the main perpetrator and myself, seeking relief through drugs, alcohol, running away, acting out....

I never had recovery or healing, but I did somewhat 'even out". Which is where I was when I met my first husband, Fran.

I met him as a patient at the hospital where I worked--- we wer both eighteen. We went out, both enjoyed marijuana and the various psychedelics, began living together rather quickly, married within a year. At age nineteen, he was a student, I was employed, and we were man and wife. It was fun, till he graduated, got a job, and we had a baby, Fran Jr, who was born very sick, with what was believed to be a genetic disorder called Crouzon Syndrome. Fran Sr was unfaithful, we separated, and eventually I dovorced him.

I was devastated, absolutely devastated.
Over a few months I lost weight, again sought relief through alcohol and men. I attempted suicide and was hospitalized for a few weeks. When I came out, I was on a prn medication for Librium, and tried to start all over again.

Again, no real recovery, no healing, no insight into what had been--- but I once again 'evend out".

Three years divorced I met and married my second husband, Mark. We moved to Maryland, had Carl right away. I hoped it would work out, but within a few weeks I knew it wasn't quite right.

I stayed with him twenty years, and over that time he exhibited behavior which I did not understand at the time was symptomatic of mental illness. And I exhibited behavior which I did not understand at the time was symptomatic of extreme co-dependency, addiction, depression, anxiety, and PTSD. For several years I drank daily, and eventually, once again, sought relief through sexual acting out.

Fortunately our Pastor could help--- referred me to a therapist with whom I established a meaningful therapeutic relationship and began, slowly, to get some insight into myself. Insight, but not much control.

I was in and out of the hospital a few times for extreme depression and suicidal ideation. Our Pastor assisted me in finding and going to a faith-based program in RI for battered and/or addicted women. There I finally got into true recovery, received healing, insight, self-control, and a hope for the future.

I divorced Mark, and stayed on at the program, called the Haven of Grace, as staff, for a few years. When my mother, with whom I had reconciled and to whom I was making amends as part of my recovery, began to decline, after my father's death in 2001, I eventually had to overcome severe conflicts about leaving the Haven and taking on the responsibility of becoming her primary caregiver.

I moved back to Salem, and moved her in with me. We lived together for three years, and it was not always easy. She remained Martha, I remained Beverly, and we did not always see things eye to eye. Nevertheless we had a relationship we had never had before, and there was actually Love between us.

Over time she became more frail, her decline more severe. I had to arrange assisted living for her. Still the decline continued. These were very stressful months, as I was frequently called on to provide care and make decisions. I had little or no freedom, and even though I had met the man who became my third husband, John--- who was very good with mom--- it was a very difficult time.

Eventually we came to the end, and extremely difficult decisions had to be made--- about withdrawing dialysis and arranging for hospice care. Such happened--- then her funeral....

That was six months ago, almost to the day (the 20th), and still--- grief, guilt, and depression remain frequent if not constant companions.

In addition, after her passing I resigned my employment--- a job I did not care for--and though I have been looking, and have documented the interviews I've had (though not every single job I've applied to) I still have not found suitable employment.

At this point, I am applying for all kinds of jobs I did not particularly want at this stage of my life--- still nothing--- but there is frustration and there is depression.