SCATTERED AND DEPRESSED

And so the saga continues.

Scattered, because I am SO BUSY. Most days seem to happen, without real cohesion and without a real sense of accomplishment. There ARE accomplishments, but no time nor energy to contemplate these. Busy is generally good, better than idleness, as is interacting with people and doing things that are positive for others, be that in human services, wellness coaching, or sharing Juice Plus+. Therefore, SCATTERED, not just in thought, but emotionally, even physically.

Depressed, because---- WHY? Externals are going well, even though busy. I once again am employed, business is growing slowly but surely, BNI is stretching me, Hospice training was a good experience, Coast Guard Auxiliary I'm not entirely sure of as I do not care for wearing a uniform---- but nothing in all that I could point to as leading to depression. However, I've been off medication for awhile, and nearing the first anniversary of Mom's death. Every time I think of her I start getting teary eyed. Maybe it will be better when we get past that day, September 20th.

So for now, I continue on. I will see about getting on meds again, continue with Yoga & therapy, try to eat well and sleep enough and all the other things that are supposed to be good for us. And hope for the best!

FIGHTING TO STAY OPTIMISTIC

Discouragement is creeping into my psyche, my bones, my very being. I'm depressed, not clinically, not grief-stricken, but discouraged. The job search goes on and on and on and on--- with no job yet. The business got off to a modest start, and now I'm stuck with the "what to do now?" blues.

Usually this type of thing is temporary. I've had no life-changing trauma or difficulty lately, just going on is getting tough.

So---- because a) I need something positive to do, for others, during the day and b) I need something to cover this gap in time on my resume---- I'm searching out local volunteer opportunities. Of course I'm considering Beverly & Salem Hospitals, but looking into some other places too.

Experience has shown me that getting out of self and into doing good for others is a sure cure for discouragement and the type of depression I'm experiencing today, and lately.

Here's hoping!~

DEPRESSION

Lately--- and especially this past week--- I have been so depressed.

I'm no stranger to depression--- I've had severe bouts over the years.

As a teen--- hormones, tensions & issues between my adoptive mother and me, being gang-raped behind my school, on-going abusive and secret relationship between the main perpetrator and myself, seeking relief through drugs, alcohol, running away, acting out....

I never had recovery or healing, but I did somewhat 'even out". Which is where I was when I met my first husband, Fran.

I met him as a patient at the hospital where I worked--- we wer both eighteen. We went out, both enjoyed marijuana and the various psychedelics, began living together rather quickly, married within a year. At age nineteen, he was a student, I was employed, and we were man and wife. It was fun, till he graduated, got a job, and we had a baby, Fran Jr, who was born very sick, with what was believed to be a genetic disorder called Crouzon Syndrome. Fran Sr was unfaithful, we separated, and eventually I dovorced him.

I was devastated, absolutely devastated.
Over a few months I lost weight, again sought relief through alcohol and men. I attempted suicide and was hospitalized for a few weeks. When I came out, I was on a prn medication for Librium, and tried to start all over again.

Again, no real recovery, no healing, no insight into what had been--- but I once again 'evend out".

Three years divorced I met and married my second husband, Mark. We moved to Maryland, had Carl right away. I hoped it would work out, but within a few weeks I knew it wasn't quite right.

I stayed with him twenty years, and over that time he exhibited behavior which I did not understand at the time was symptomatic of mental illness. And I exhibited behavior which I did not understand at the time was symptomatic of extreme co-dependency, addiction, depression, anxiety, and PTSD. For several years I drank daily, and eventually, once again, sought relief through sexual acting out.

Fortunately our Pastor could help--- referred me to a therapist with whom I established a meaningful therapeutic relationship and began, slowly, to get some insight into myself. Insight, but not much control.

I was in and out of the hospital a few times for extreme depression and suicidal ideation. Our Pastor assisted me in finding and going to a faith-based program in RI for battered and/or addicted women. There I finally got into true recovery, received healing, insight, self-control, and a hope for the future.

I divorced Mark, and stayed on at the program, called the Haven of Grace, as staff, for a few years. When my mother, with whom I had reconciled and to whom I was making amends as part of my recovery, began to decline, after my father's death in 2001, I eventually had to overcome severe conflicts about leaving the Haven and taking on the responsibility of becoming her primary caregiver.

I moved back to Salem, and moved her in with me. We lived together for three years, and it was not always easy. She remained Martha, I remained Beverly, and we did not always see things eye to eye. Nevertheless we had a relationship we had never had before, and there was actually Love between us.

Over time she became more frail, her decline more severe. I had to arrange assisted living for her. Still the decline continued. These were very stressful months, as I was frequently called on to provide care and make decisions. I had little or no freedom, and even though I had met the man who became my third husband, John--- who was very good with mom--- it was a very difficult time.

Eventually we came to the end, and extremely difficult decisions had to be made--- about withdrawing dialysis and arranging for hospice care. Such happened--- then her funeral....

That was six months ago, almost to the day (the 20th), and still--- grief, guilt, and depression remain frequent if not constant companions.

In addition, after her passing I resigned my employment--- a job I did not care for--and though I have been looking, and have documented the interviews I've had (though not every single job I've applied to) I still have not found suitable employment.

At this point, I am applying for all kinds of jobs I did not particularly want at this stage of my life--- still nothing--- but there is frustration and there is depression.